I've just been absorbed in throwing up my food lately, because I've been binging so much. Everyday, I eat ridiculous amounts of food which then makes me shove my fingers down my throat for 1-2 hours straight; I have to admit, it's a terrible way to live but I will do anything to stop myself from gaining weight. Actually, come to think of it, I probably did gain 1-3 pounds but I'm really not sure. PLUS, my stomach hasn't really been too flat lately, due to the bloating caused from purging and consuming such large amounts of food in such little time. Hopefully I'll be able to stop my binge/purge streak soon before it does any more damage to my throat(P.S. This is NOT the first time I've thrown up my food. Trust me, I've had plenty of experience in the past..)

Today was weird. Usually I pity myself for being the way I am or I'm slowly becoming more and more crazy in my room with the blinds shut at all hours of the day, thinking about how large I am. However, today I actually took a walk to Shop Rite whilst listening to my ipod and bought breath-freshener spray which, ultimately, made me take my mind off of food and my relationship with it. I have to admit, it was nice being out and less anti-social without worrying about anything, even if it was only for a short period of time. Later on I went to Tower Records due to the fact they're going out of business shortly, causing everything to be somewhat marked down. My dad ended up paying for 4 "singles" and a Blink-182 poster which I obviously thanked him for. The only lame thing that happened today is that I ate a TON of raw broccoli at 10 pm which is going to make my stomach less flat tomorrow. Even though it's only raw broccoli, I'm still so mad at myself for eating so late. Now I have to punish myself and eat absolutely NOTHING all day tomorrow. Now my stomach is bloated and I feel huge. I refrained from puking the broccoli up though, luckily.

Intake
lettuce[15]
raw broccoli[50]
1 cucumber[40]
1 slice bread[100]
2 pears[170]
Total Intake: 375

Today was supposed to be a happy day; I was supposed to so ecstatic that I weighed myself this morning and I now weigh 82. However, I'm still not satisfied with my weight and I assume my eating habits are slowly killing me. I'm miserable. Everyday all I think about is how I long to look like Nicole Richie or Victoria Beckham and how I'm so fat/imperfect. I can't even eat strawberries without counting their calories! I feel so trapped, but I would never ask anyone for help. I just wish I could eat normally, be satisfied with my weight, and feel alive again.